Sitting around
I always wonder why everyone around me is moving forward so fast and why I’m always in last place. I’m guessing it has something to do with having to do things without any help, and not really having much direction. I wasted my whole childhood being a depressed fuck when I should have been yelling “FUCK OFF” to the world and doing my own shit. And then there was my constant money issue. I got no hand outs or sympathy but I don’t even care anymore. I can’t care anymore. My life is what it is, no take backs. I need to find one thing and stick to it long enough for it to take me places, no switching around and shit. I think Cosmetology is that one thing I can stick to for years. It’s always fun and new and I’m always learning and getting better and wanting to try new things with it. That and I get to meet awesome creative people and I get to be creative everyday, still bring home a decent paycheck, have my tattoos and piercings, and travel. It’s my all in one and the courses are only 8-9 months. 9 months to what could be the rest of my life. 9 more months of living off of others, not having anywhere to go or anything to do, and of being in last place.
But until then, it’s this. My eyes hurt because I’m allergic to all 8 of the cats my mom has, I barely have a bed, and I’m sitting on a table to type this on a bugged, virused computer in a roach invested apartment. 9 more months…
I’m fine
No I’m not. I’m scared and in pain and I just want to die. That’s it. I’m sick of being alive. Death seems like such a relief. No more suffering, no more fucking up other peoples live, no more worrying, no more lies, no more fear. I just want all of this to end. I don’t want to come back. I’m in pain all day, everyday. I want to cry and punch walls and starve myself and cut myself and kill myself everyday, all day. I get not a single moment of peace. I hate myself and everything about me. I want nothing to do with this sick, sorry excuse for a person. I’m just some tired, empty husk of a disgusting waste of life. I’m a complete fuck up, I’m everyone’s mistake in life and no lie, pill or word of wisdom can ever change that. I will always be this same shameful, ugly, rotten piece of shit. I’m not worth squat shit on this planet and I hope I can do everyone a huge favor and just die very very soon.
Had to get that off my chest. Honesty is key.
These are the things I’ve always wanted
-To be outgoing
-To be hyper
-To be a metal head
-To be thin
-To be a great friend
-To be heavily tattooed
-To draw ALL THE TIME
-To be a good student
And to this day, none of the above has (or can?) be achieved. Bummer :/
In a “fangirl” mood right now…
I’m feeling like typing in “Evanescence” in the youtube search and just watching everything that comes up.
This is my life.
I can never do enough to make myself proud. Every unproductive second is another failure.
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